OK, maybe I should say why it does matter. First let me define ‘it’. It refers to my assholish tone and mean attitude towards people in general outside of work. With the blanket exception of my parents and sister, not a single person who knows me (excluding Facebook encounters) has made even one supportive statement to me since my relationship ended and it’s been effectively over now for about a month. Boo fucking hoo right? Ya, fuck you too. I really don’t think that Jirar understands me. Our phone conversations are pretty bland (I hate talking on the telephone) but he keeps wanting to know if I’m pissed at him. Should I be? I’ve got every reason in the world to be pissed at him but I’m not. I just really don’t have anything to say to him. I’m far more disappointed in how this situation has unfolded than I am pissed but I guess I am most disappointed in myself for just not seeing this coming. Clearly I’ve become secondary to him, I don’t even get replies to my emails.
Before I go further, there are many stages in a break up. The first is usually grief and sadness. I’m past that. I’ve cried my last fucking tear. The second is usually anger and rage. That’s where I am right now. I’m pissed at pretty much anyone and everyone who associates or associated with the person who I feel fucked me over so he could gallop off into the sunlight and leave me stranded and alone in red neck land. Jirar on the other hand is apparently doing just fine and dandy in his new life with his new job in his new city with his new friends. Again, should I have seen this coming? Maybe; But I didn’t. Maybe the words “forgive me for I know not what I am saying” are appropriate? No, those probably won’t suffice.
So I’ve sufficiently pissed off my roommate, she’s avoiding a confrontation…so am I. That’s fine, surface level nods and hellos and goodbyes are just fine with me right now, I don’t have the patience for a confrontation with anyone. I’m quite certain that both Jirar and the roommate are now actively reading this blog gathering ammo for a war that could be avoided entirely if only they both just back off for a while. Don’t worry, come August, neither of you have any obligations towards me and I won’t write about you anymore. The lease will be over, we will no longer have shared financial obligations. I have NOBODY to vent to other than this blog and my parents. If you take this venue from me then you’ll really see how much of an ass I can be. Boo fucking hoo right? Ya, FUCK YOU TOO x2! I am so sick of being the nice guy who never says anything, never pisses anyone off, and never confronts anyone about anything. Perhaps when Jirar comes in a couple weeks I should just spend the week elsewhere. He needs to start packing, I need a fucking vacation.
OK, I’m done. I’ll leave it with this. If you don’t like what I’m writing here, ignore it. The readership on this blog consists primarily of my immediate family. Lastly, I don’t want anyone to think that I’m OK with my situation. I’m not OK. I’ve been a pretty fucking stable person since I got out of high school with a few exceptions, a little bit of drama right now is not however something to get freaked out about (so relax Mom and Dad, this too shall pass). As for the rest of you, you’ve got another couple weeks of this shit before I get it out of my system and go to the next phase. If you all can be victims of your own lives, you surly can sit tight while I’m a victim of mine. OK going to hit publish before I think about this post too much and just decide to delete it.
Wow David! I had no idea that you actually were so angry with me. I call to talk and you say nothing then I read your blog and it’s ALL there for everyone to see…nice. Just remember readers…there are TWO sides to every story. I just choose not to publish my side and I see it as private and personal. David, you aren’t the only one hurting. It broke my heart to “seperate” it really did. It may be a little easier for me as my new career keeps me busy but it’s not easy by any means. As for your comment about seeing this situation comming…you told me that you knew this was going to happen years ago, so, yes, maybe you should have seen this comming. I didn’t until it happened and I’m sorry that it did. We had a great relationship for many years and I thank you for being such a great husband to me. I just need a little bit of time to find out who I am and how I want to live my life. I just didn’t think it was fair for me to string you along when I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. Mr. and Mrs. Clark if you are reading this..I’m truly very sorry for hurting your son. Dave and I have been through a lot toghether. You both have been great in-laws for many years and I thank you both for that. Alright I’ve probably said to much already I will take my evil ass and go.