Back in the day, I could have told you right away that I was different.  I had no concept of my sexuality in any significant way before age 13 or 14 but I knew I was not like the other boys my age.  I could not really comfortably label myself as gay before I was 15 or 16 and by age 17 I had simply accepted it for myself even though I didn’t really come out until a year or so after that.  The month of September has been a deadly month for gay kids this year.  In just 30 days, there have been 3 suicides and boy with a broken arm that is continuing to be harassed.

• Seth Walsh, the Bakersfield, CA 13-year-old who hanged himself from a tree in his back yard after years of being bullied, died Tuesday afternoon after nine days on life support. Police investigators interviewed some of the young people who taunted Seth the day he hanged himself. “Several of the kids that we talked to broke down into tears,” Police Chief Jeff Kermode said. “They had never expected an outcome such as this.”
• Asher Brown, 13, an eighth-grader killed himself last week. He shot himself in the head after enduring what his mother and stepfather say was constant harassment from four other students at Hamilton Middle School in the Cypress-Fairbanks Independent School District in Houston Texas. Brown, his family said, was “bullied to death” – picked on for his small size, his religion and because he did not wear designer clothes and shoes. Kids also accused him of being gay, some of them performing mock gay acts on him in his physical education class, his mother and stepfather said.
• Billy (William) Lucas, 15, a student at Greensburg Community High School in Greensburg, IN, was found dead in a barn at his grandmother’s home Thursday evening – he had hanged himself. Friends say that he had been tormented for years. “He was threatened to get beat up every day,” friend and classmate Nick Hughes said. “Sometimes in classes, kids would act like they were going to punch him and stuff and push him. Some people at school called him names,” Hughes said, saying most of those names questioned Lucas’ sexual orientation.
• An Ohio mom is disappointed that her son’s school didn’t do more to stop at least two boys who allegedly picked on her 11-year-old cheerleader son until the bullies beat him so bad they broke his arm.  She says the beating didn’t break his spirit however. Tyler Wilson has vowed to continue cheering with hopes it helps him get into college some day.  ”I’m going to keep going. I’m going to make a lifestyle out of it,” Tyler told ABC News affiliate WTVG.

All 4 of these stories have been getting airtime on the national network news channels.  This sort of thing is nothing new for gay youth.  Every day gay kids are beaten up, harassed, called names and generally tormented because they have identified as gay or others PERCEIVE them to be so.  It’s easy now as an adult to simply ignore all of this and that’s why I’m writing this post.  It shouldn’t be ignored.  I get really angry when I hear that another kid killed himself because he was fed up with being bullied over his sexual orientation.  That kid might have been me.

The memories I have left of grade school and middle school (with certain exceptions for my time at ABS) are not good ones for me.  We are again talking about a different time and a different era but I was routinely picked on at school by certain kids.  My involvement in music was a constant source of ridicule and teasing even into high school.  I was a sissy for being able to sing or play the piano, or I was just a dumbass for not getting into playing football on the playground.  I was fortunate that despite the daily combative atmosphere I had teachers and more importantly parents that I knew supported me and to whom I knew I could turn if things ever got to a point where I could not deal with it on my own.  It also helped that the kids I hung out with at home were different kids than those I went to school with.  The neighborhood was much different for me than my school life.  I was a pretty independent kid.  I didn’t really care all that much what my peers thought of me and even today, I’m not really all that concerned about what others think of me.  I’m not on this planet to please them or to make them happy.  I’m here for ME and to live MY life.

I don’t really know the demographics of the people who read my blog but I know there are more people reading this than just my parents.  Some of you might be gay kids, some of you might be gay adults, some of you might be straight conservative Christians.  I don’t know.  What I do want to say though is that I would be lying if I did not admit that during my youth I contemplated the idea of suicide.  Growing up is not an easy thing to do and I’d be hiding the truth if I could not admit that I disliked 2/3 of my childhood experiences outside of my house.  It’s that other 1/3 though that has made me into the adult I am today.  Those experiences I had as a kid, especially the experiences that made me feel good about myself and about my life, shaped me into who I am today: someone that tries very hard whenever I’m given the chance to give a shit about the lives of other people.  My life got better and better as I grew up and as I got out of school and started living my own life.  And even today, each day is a new challenge and a new adventure and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s very hard for adult gay males to be involved with kids in any significant way.  It’s easier now than it used to be but straight society STILL sees us (especially men) as sex obsessed predators.  That’s a HUGE reason for why I got out of education and why I gave up my work with the boychoir.  It doesn’t matter how good a person I present myself to be, the assumption always is that it’s just not a good idea for me (gay men) to be around kids.  Even if I had the support of 99% of the parents of the kids I worked with, the 1% who couldn’t deal with it could potentially destroy a career over no other reason than their own bigotry and ignorance.  I wanted nothing more to do with that atmosphere.  Why was I continuing to try and live my own life by their standards for so long?

One of the things that I was missing in my childhood and the childhood of these kids who have killed themselves this past month was a healthy gay adult role model that was visible.  There was nobody I could look at and say “he turned out OK, maybe I can too” during those times when I was getting picked on for whatever reason.  I had the support of my parents and all these kids may well have had the support of their parents, but all of us left behind stories of being different and singled out.  The difference was that people intervened in my life at different times as I grew up and kept me going in the right direction, those boys were never given the chance to develop an idea that their lives might just get better if they just stuck it out a little longer.  Nobody helped those kids or their parents deal with what they were going through, nobody recognized the problem because homophobia and ignorance are still the rule, not the exception.  This has to change in our society.  Gay kids are not going to just go away and neither are gay adults.  This fear and ignorance has to be dealt with if we are ever to see a slow down in suicide rates.  If you didn’t already know, gay and questioning kids are 4 times more likely than their straight peers to commit suicide and 9 out of 10 gay kids report regular harassment in their schools for being gay or from others perceiving them to be gay.  I’ve posted these statistics before.  They are very reviling and very disturbing.

So I’m going to end this post with a video of a new project that has been started online.  Much like the internet, this sort of thing never existed when I was growing up and after spending some time watching these videos of people my age re-telling their stories of growing up gay, I wish something like this had been around for me.  It might have made things easier for me to deal with.  This project won’t bring back the 3 boys that took their own lives this past month but it’s a step in the right direction and maybe a small bit of hope for all those gay kids who have no support system and nobody to talk to.

If you are a kid or young adult reading this blog, there is a link on the sidebar to the Trevor Project.  Visit that web site and know that there is someone available for you 24/7 every day of the year.  Watch the intro vid for the “It Get’s Better Project” below and then click the video to go watch more on YouTube.  I won’t ever do a video cast of myself, this blog post will serve as my entry.

It Gets Better Project

First:  Mississippi Prom Canceled after Lesbian’s Date Request – From USA today and nearly every other national Media outlet in the country.  This is a story about Constance McMillan of a small town in Mississippi that sought to bring her date, another girl, to the prom so she could be uncomfortable at the prom right along with everyone else.  The school board ended up denying her request and also, canceled the prom entirely to avoid having to allow her to bring her date.  Their position was that she was quite allowed to attend, just not with another woman.  With the FULL support of her parents, She and the ACLU sued the school board and yesterday a Federal judge ruled that Constance’s civil rights were violated and the school board acted inappropriately.  During all of this parents organized a “private” prom since the school was no longer going to have one.  Guess what, Constance was not invited.  This story is not over and you’ll hear more about it.

Second: Derrik Martin GOT the OK to bring his boyfriend to his prom in a little town in Georgia, the school board not really even discuss the matter only saying that they had no policy against it.  How did Derrick’s parents react to the news?  They swiftly kicked him out of the house.

There is one thing that I want to focus on here in both of these stories and that is the parents.  EVEN in 2010, parents all over this country continue to forcefully kick their children out of their house because their child had the self-confidence and courage to come out of the closet.  I bet you didn’t know that one of the largest groups of homeless youth’s are GLBT kids.  Throughout my life I have met a number of people who have not spoken to their parents since high school because their parents could not deal with their sexuality.  It really troubles me that this 18 year old senior, who is an honors student and already has a scholarship to a university in the fall now has to prepare for the next phase of his life with no support from his parents.  On the other hand Constance will not have the same issue.  She also is 18, an honors student and headed to collage in the fall with the full support and encouragement from her parents.  It should bother EVERYONE reading this blog when this sort of thing occurs.

I was pretty fortunate.  While I’m sure that my parents had to make adjustments in their thinking when I came out to them and I know that each of them had various concerns, not once did I ever have to deal with any of the coming out process without their support. Coming Out is a big deal, especially for a teenager.  50 years from now it might not be but even today, it still is.  Those of you that are straight will NEVER fully appreciate what it takes and what it means to come out and I say that with all due respect, it is simply not something you will ever experience.   I was 17 or 18 and I had written a lengthy letter through which I came out to my parents.  I spent a good 2 months writing that letter, and re-writing it and during that time I had built my own alliances with my friends in case things went the wrong way once I came up with the courage to give my parents that letter.  I had a place to stay if I had needed it, I had a support group of people outside of my own family if I needed it.  Well, I never needed to utilize any of that because while it did take some getting used to, my sexuality did not define my existence to my parents.  It was not a simple process for any of us but it was not an issue that would end our relationship or traumatize it beyond repair.  I was still their son and especially as a minor, they still understood that they had an obligation to put up with me until I was at least 18 or until I got out of high school.  They of course continued long after that and continue to support me today.  Derrick is never going to have that sort of support from his  parents and he’s at an age when honestly he might need it the most.  I know that was the case for me, I needed my parents more after high school than during it it seems.  His relationship has fundamentally changed because his parents are unable to accept their son for who he is.  It’s sad and it should upset you to know that this STILL occurs in this country in 2010.

So, the next time you are talking amongst your friends and one of them tells you they just kicked their kid out of the house because he was a queer and well Jebus just don’t like them queers you know, think long and hard about will happen to that kid and why your friend suddenly doesn’t love him or her anymore.  It should make you really question that friendship.

“I have described myself as being ‘gently eccentric’ and slightly different as a person just because I’ve had a very different set of influences growing up than anybody else in my peer group did. I think it’s important for somebody from a big, commercial movie series like Harry Potter and particularly because I am not gay or bisexual or transgendered. The fact that I am straight makes not a difference, but it shows that straight people are incredibly interested and care a lot about this as well.” - Daniel Radcliffe, speaking from the NYC headquarters of the LGBT teen suicide prevention hot-line The Trevor Project, for whom he has just made a promotional film.

15 years ago when I was in high school, there were no major Hollywood celebrities willing to step up to the plate and go to bat for me.  Those who did were on the fringes.  For me personally, I’m not sure it would had much of an influence in my life, I was never a big celebrity follower but here we have Harry Potter, entirely straight with a HUGE following, and willing to put his money where his mouth is.  The Trevor Project was founded not long after I got out of high school and there is a link to it on my sidebar here on this blog.  It’s one of the few charities that I’d consider making a donation to.  Perhaps you might as well.